I’ve been fairly active since the last time I put words to the keys, with lots of time in the shop, a few races, a car show, and some new parts. I’ve even watched TV (the new Top Gear). Now if I was a smart man I’d end the blog here. But I’m not, and I’ll let this paragraph stand as an introduction rather than a short and precise update.
I took the M3 out to the drag strip in Woodburn Oregon for their street-legal Friday night races. The Woodburn dragstrip is a historic NHRA track operating since the 1950s. Although an almost bone stock BMW is not what I consider a drag strip car, with Woodburn’s rich history I’ve wanted to try it for years and was happy to finally get out there.
That being said I was beaten by everything. EVERYTHING. Even the four door Ford (Taurus?) blew my doors off by a second. I asked the guy what was in it. He replied, “Ford Ecoboost with a few mods”.
And that’s the reality; everything has a turbo and 300+ horses now. And I like it. Even when a Ford (Taurus?) sweeps past my M3. It gives me hope that the future might actually be a little better. Growing up in the 1980s the future of cars seemed bleak because they’d been on a steady performance decline since the muscle car era.
So what is it like racing an M3 at a drag strip?
Apparently I’m not smart enough to drag race an M3. This is what happens when poor people buy cars above their social class, they’re just not smart enough to use the tool.
The BMW “Launch Control” feature takes the sort of multi-tasking coordination only the ruling elite possess from years of playing polo while riding an elephant in a pool while answering emails on their Blackberry to meet their executive level commitments.
Here’s the procedure:
Drive forward until the 1st white light comes on the drag racing light thingy (also called a tree). Drive very slowly until the second white light comes on the tree and stop immediately. Put your left foot on the brake. Press the SMG shifter all the way forward from the “Drive” position and hold it there. Depress the accelerator pedal, but not too quickly or you’ll engage “Burnout Mode”. Hopefully the tree hasn’t already went green. When the tree turns on the second yellow light pull your left foot back and release your right hand on the shifter while keeping your right foot down (pat your stomach and rub your head at the same time while trying to run forward, for a similar experience).
My fastest times of the day were my first and last run, and in both I decided to disregard “Launch Control” and merely put one foot on the gas and one on the brake until the light turned green. I’ll probably need a new clutch soon but I didn’t smell any clutch heating up.
NHRA gives you a sticker if you hit 100 MPH in the quarter mile. I hit 99 twice. I’m actually glad because it gives me a goal to go back for. I don’t want to put any money into the M3’s motor (M3 performance upgrades are too expensive – mufflers start at $500 for the crappy ones), so at least I can strive for the 100 m.p.h. sticker. I’ll shed the rear seat & spare tire, jack the front tire pressure up, and bring some dry-ice to stick in my cold-air intake box (or go on a colder day). I want that 100 mph sticker!
I'm The 99 MPH Car On Both
We actually won a race the next weekend. No, it wasn’t drag racing, it was the Friday Night Time Speed Distance (TSD) rally. And we were in the Beginner class. And there was only one other Beginner car. But whatever, we got a first place sticker! Yeah baby.
Drag and TSD Stickers
And second place didn’t get anything. And I mean that figuratively as well. We gathered in a Pizza shop after the race to calculate times and b.s.. We asked the couple that took second to us how they did. From there it was like watching a train wreck and knowing that you couldn’t do anything about it. He made a comment like “Well if there is a next time I’m definitely navigating.”
She cheerily responded with, “Well great, I’d like to drive”.
He responded, “Yeah I don’t think that would help”.
And it went on. She’d try and brighten the mood and he’d say something stupid. I even tried to step in with a comment like “It was your first time, we all struggled our first time.”
He responded with something like, “Yeah, I doubt there’ll be a next time.”
At that point she let him know that she wanted to go home without sticking around for a drink or snacks. Perhaps TSD rallying with your wife/girlfriend is not a good idea.
The next morning was the Sherwood car show. I’ve devoted whole blogs to this show because it is the first big show of the season and (if the weather cooperates) lots of cars show up.
A young guy, probably twenty-two or so, wearing trendy clothing that would look more at home on a yacht than a car show (tucked in collared shirt, pink shorts, tassled loafers, trendy sunglasses), talked the 50 year old wearing similar clothes into driving his Maclaren up and down the packed (with pedestrians) street while the younger yachter filmed it with his expensive camera mounted on a boom. It put everyone on the road at risk for what? So maybe grandpa could get on Youtube? And let’s talk about grandpa. He was beaming like a rich four year old showing everyone in kindergarten that his show and tell is better than theirs. Total disregard for those of us walking in the street, wearing hot rod t-shirts and jeans, pushing our double stroller.
The car elitism trend is especially strong online. There is a website, run by and authored by the flaming liberals associated with Gawker, called Jalopnik, where I occasionally read blogs because there is almost enough car material to cover up their annoying liberal circle-jerk mentality which they must weave into every article (today its “waaaa waaaa waaaa Brexit, and a little car stuff”). One of their authors, Doug Demuro, drove his Ferrari to a box store and brought a TV home on his Ferrari’s roof. He literally received death threats from people because he disrespected the car/badge.
What is wrong with you people? Seriously, there are real problems in the world and you’re choosing to put a Ferrari in your Holy of Holies?
And I’m 100 percent certain you’d ask the Maclaren driver for a sweet moving shot for your Youtube channel.
I saw an article yesterday that asked who will be the next Henry Ford and make a people’s car? I would. And you know why I would be good at it? Because I don’t care at all about the mystique of the price or badge. I want sports cars to be fun. That’s it.
I guess I’m the Bernie Sanders of car guys but I’d be more than happy if everyone could have a Ferrari in their garage. Actually, I want something better. I wish upon you all a car that handles well, sounds great, provides great performance, is Toyota reliable, and induces smiles. Everyone. On Saturday mornings I’d like to go out to the imaginary open race track and dice with all my good buddies because they can also afford a great sports car. And I’d be happy to try and provide that car to you all as a modern Henry Ford. I would love your daily, cheap, reliable commuter to also be incredibly fun. I want to build a better car than Ferrari and sell it to you for pennies. Elitism in car culture should be eradicated as its purely perception and performance is what should matter.
And on that subject, let’s talk about Top Gear. If you’re my great grandson reading this in 70 years, here’s the (abbreviated) back story. Three guys make a car show that’s very funny but many of their jokes make fun of others. They insult everyone alike, but minorities, insecure countries, and homosexuals take special offense. The three car guys have fun in cars and bring us along with them. One of the guys punches a member of the film crew for failing to secure dinner after a long day filming and they are all fired. New politically correct cast is hired. They aren’t funny. And because they aren’t having fun, they don’t make me smile when they drive cars. Its just rich people driving expensive cars. Yay (sarcasm).
Even my 1 year old was entertained by the fired hosts. No joke.
Top Gear management forcing political correctness on us is another form of elitist corporations deciding they are smarter than us normal people. Top Gear management are saying, “We don’t care if you enjoy old Top Gear (it was wildly successful) and joke in the same way, we are smarter than you, and we know that offensive jokes are the worst thing in the world, so we are taking old Top Gear away from you because you’re too dumb to realize the great travesty of slightly offensive jokes”.
No! Stop it! Just grow some thick skin you pasty white, overweight, over-the-hill, middle-management, bad teethed British leaders!
See what I did there? I offended you based on stereotypes of British businessmen; you probably took offense. Yet there is a hilarious youtube video of an Island of Jeremy Clarckson's (this is the name of the most controversial of the three original hosts). I would bet big money that Jeremy Clarkson got a good laugh and wasn't offended. Try laughing, after all, why should you care what I say?
All people groups have traits that can be laughable if presented in a humorous way, and people like to laugh. Stop telling me I’m a bad person because I think jokes about Mexico being terrible and the Miata being a gay hairdresser car are funny.
Gasp, yes, I laugh at stereotypes despite, for the last 30 years, American educators trying to teach me stereotypes are terrible, horrific things. You failed. My gut instinct beat down your attempts at programming me.
See what I did there? I offended you based on stereotypes of British businessmen; you probably took offense. Yet there is a hilarious youtube video of an Island of Jeremy Clarckson's (this is the name of the most controversial of the three original hosts). I would bet big money that Jeremy Clarkson got a good laugh and wasn't offended. Try laughing, after all, why should you care what I say?
All people groups have traits that can be laughable if presented in a humorous way, and people like to laugh. Stop telling me I’m a bad person because I think jokes about Mexico being terrible and the Miata being a gay hairdresser car are funny.
Gasp, yes, I laugh at stereotypes despite, for the last 30 years, American educators trying to teach me stereotypes are terrible, horrific things. You failed. My gut instinct beat down your attempts at programming me.
Well, I don’t know how to segway out of that. So I’ll just abruptly change the subject. My Craigslist wanted ad for cheap wheels worked out. Someone contacted me and sold me a decent set of M3 wheels for $300 bucks today. This means I can put wider wheels in the front of the M3 so at the next autocross my understeer doesn’t send corner workers running for their life, like the last time.
I was thinking about selling the four front wheels that I’ll be left with, but I realized I need wheels for the Lotus 7. It’s a pipe dream because I’d have to find hubs and an axle that fit (for cheap), but I think the M3 wheels would look great on the Lotus, maybe painted either that classic Lotus Yellow or Gold.
I made a costly mistake. I was grinding on the Lotus frame and the sparks landed on the M3’s windshield. I now have a bunch of little pockmarks on the M3’s windshield. A new windshield for a M3 runs about $1000 dollars. I’m going to live with the pockmarks.
I’m not sure if the windshield is a cost of my hobby. I think it’s a cost of my stupidity and carelessness. After all, you can make pricey mistakes no matter what your hobby. Some of the most mundane hobbies have the biggest risk. Consider the hobby of finding your own mushrooms in leisurely strolls through the woods. Sounds peaceful right? Until you pick the wrong one and die a horrific slow death. A windshield isn’t sounding so bad now is it?
I was worried I wouldn’t have enough funds to maintain the M3 when I bought it. It turns out my budget is no problem. I just don’t maintain the M3. Mechanically I do, but not all the little things.
Windshield?
Nah.
Replace the busted washer fluid reservoir I destroyed understeering through an autocross corner cone in the near vicinity of terrified corner workers?
Nah.
Replace the cracked front plastic piece from same corner incident?
Motorcycle-style zip tie stitching worked great.
Replace the cracking side window rubber pieces that sell for ridiculous prices.
No way.
Repair the door dings and dented fender?
I’d rather buy performance parts.
Buy new door panels that aren’t peeling?
Just… Don’t… Care… Enough
Replace broken CD player?
Nope. There’s still radio.
To be honest, I’m shocked the satellite navigation is still working. But when it goes out I won’t try to fix it or replace it. Google Maps, on my phone, auto-updates without buying new CDs from BMW.
So, in summary, I don’t like the new Top Gear, my car is slow, I’m un-fashionable, I’m careless, I laugh at stereotypes, liberal rhetoric annoys me, I hate status symbol seekers, I’m cheap and I don’t maintain my vehicles as expected. It’s a good thing I’m married because this summary wouldn’t look good on a match maker website as my introduction.
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