You can find a “Greatest Hits” collection of this author’s best works, available in Kindle and printed book format, on Amazon at - http://www.amazon.com/Classic-Car-Stories-Innovative-Meetings/dp/1530003954
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Scott Crawford
Some classic cars were designed for a trendsetter that lived in a place where the locals are beautiful, but others were designed by an individual named Bruno who lived in a place where the locals have taken their share of beatings from the ugly stick. Yet somehow Bruno has managed to design classic cars that still manage to look “good” despite the brutality of their design. You’d never say Bruno’s cars are gorgeous; a classic red Ferrari his cars are not. But they capture your eye and heart just the same.
There’s a place in the world for Bruno’s cars. If you handed the keys to a red Ferrari to the local iron yard riveter he would likely steal it and sell it for beer money and hunting supplies. He wouldn’t keep the red Ferrari because he’d be ashamed to be seen in such a girly-man car. He doesn't like Italian designer jeans, cologne, etc. and he thinks you have to in order to drive a Ferrari.
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But if you hand the riveter the keys to Bruno’s creation he’ll wear t-shirts emblazoned with the car’s manufacturer logo every weekend for the rest of his life. He may still steal the car, but he’ll park it on his lawn when he gets home and then sit in a lawn chair drinking whiskey while staring at it because he’s suffering from an overwhelming man crush. His girlfriend will leave him for Earl in the trailer down the “court” because all he’ll ever talk about is the car and soon his only friends will be other gentleman of similar distinction (typically found at car shows highlighting the car’s manufacturer).
What are these cars? I’ve made a top 10 list based on my experience and taste. The first five on the list don’t have the engine displacement and ferocity to appeal to a steel riveter. These are cars owned by guys that just can’t see themselves in a “pretty” car, but their testosterone production isn’t quite what it may have been. They’ll take ugly and slower, a surprising pick for sure, but a comfortable place for them. Sound harsh? Don’t worry, the author may self-identify with this group. Here’s a photo of his car –
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Don’t agree with my conclusions? Well good, put the beer can down and write a snarky remark into the comments section of this blog letting me know why you and your car show buddies think that the car I named isn’t ugly.
#10
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Jim Culp
The (original) Fiat Abarth – Seriously, you have to prop the motor cover open just to fit the parts in? And did Fiat pay someone to design a body that looks like two squares welded together? And don’t forget, if you truly want to cool that hot motor, you’ll have to plumb cooling into the front end giving it the look of a flat faced boxer with a fat lip.
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Alf Van Been
#9
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Chris Waits
The Datsun 510 – They say the best looking cars are designed with the shape of a woman in mind. The 510 was designed with the body of a short stubby man in mind. But he was a strong stubby man. And the 510 proved that although it was the short kid on the block it still packed a wallup.
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Jim Culp
#8
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p18001968
The Volvo P1800 – This is the car shape you get when designed by people that have to survive a harsh winter climate but still allow themselves the fancy of believing in elves, gnomes and fairies. Up front the car has a strong motor fronted with a somewhat awkward grille and surrounded by good looking fenders, but the body tapers back to strange frivolous fins.
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Tim Wang
#7
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Jim Culp
The Saab 96 – this car was produced in a town called Trollhattan. No surprise then that a troll would feel perfectly at home behind the wheel. No other classic car could ferry him between the snowy bridges he frequents with the speed and anger he requires.
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Brian Snelson
#6
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Pyntofmyld
The Jensen CV – In black they look best (which in itself says something about a car) but their lines don’t quite flow, they have odd headlights, and the front end would probably best be described as a snout. Yet somehow they still look good. I’ve never been to Ireland, but I imagine that for a manager working the Irish shipyards if the laborers spotted you driving the CV you wouldn’t have to fear any ridicule; you have to maintain whatever fleeting perception of authority you have when pressing the union workforce for production.
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Nigel Honey
#5
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Allard Cars – One can only hope that Mr. Allard made a conscious decision to simply wrap his American motored V8 rockets in sheet metal as a necessity, rather than style the body. Based on looks it appears the Allard is the epitome of function before form. For example, yes it has a radiator grille. The purpose of the Allard grille is to provide airflow to the radiator while blocking the birds from going through the radiator, The Allard grille is not meant to look good. Almost every visible part on the Allard can be summarized in similar fashion.
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HutDog83
#4
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Ryan McAbee
The Big Block Cobras – As the power and ferocity grew inside the quant little British designed body strange bulges and protrusions also grew around the exterior of the car. Like a steroid induced body builder, the big Cobras don’t look natural in their own skin. You almost expect them to tear their hood off at any minute like a flashback to 1980’s steroid lovin’ Hulk Hogan ripping his shirts in half before wrestling matches.
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Serge
#3
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Jim Culp
The AMC Javelin in Trans Am guise – an underdog always looks good whipping on the pretty boys. And in 1970 the Javelin did just that, giving the Mustangs and Camaros a one-two punch on the Trans Am circuit. But the Javelin was not pretty. In fact, it was really ugly. Why? Likely it was heralding in the decade. It seems most designers agreed “It’s 1970 and a new decade, let’s try ugly from here on out”.
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Alden Jewell
#2
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Xabier Martinez
The Lamborghini Countach – Even its name in Italian is vulgar (google it if you don’t believe me). But it was awesome. Ugly in a way only Italy could do – ugly beautiful. It was utter rebellion. Compare the sloping curvaceous lines of the 1960’s Ferraris with this upstart from just a few years later. Everything was different. It was big. It was angular. It was impractical. It was mean. But yet, somehow still Italian. And when you think Italian sports car, you just can’t think of barrel chested men driving them. Had the car been made in America I’m certain it would have made number one on this list. It would have made sense. It’s a brutal, ugly, hard to drive car with impressive power. But Italy is the land of playboys and somehow you can’t escape the sense that the only person driving the Countach is a man that goes to the tanning bed, wears a v-neck shirt with a sport jacket, and protects his eyes with oversized designer sunglasses. Pity the Countach, it can’t escape its origins.
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Brian Snelson
#1
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Rex Gray
And the winner is a twofer – The Charger and Barracuda of the 60s. Dyno tests now tell us that Dodge was lying about the horsepower of these Hemi monstrosities by underrating them severely, when the competition was doing the opposite to compete. These cars are brutally powerful and they look like a drug fueled biker club member would be comfortable driving them. The large body and wide grille can be compared with a fist coming at you fast with a large powerful forearm behind it. There’s a reason the bad guy drove a black charger in Bullet. Have you ever seen a white Charger? The Charger and Barracuda epitomize tough. Don’t believe me? I dare you to kick the next guy you see wearing a Mopar shirt in the shins.
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Scott Crawford
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Ashley Coates
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